The past two books I’ve read recently both refer to this idea of choosing guilt over resentment. Not just one, but BOTH of the last two books - if this isn’t a sign that I need to pay more attention to this idea, I don’t know what is.
So many times as moms, we make decisions that avoid feeling guilt. Because women are socialized to be giving, self-less and caring, we immediately feel guilt when we make a choice that benefits our own needs, but not others. And behind that guilt is often a fear of being seen as selfish. And if we are selfish, we are disliked and lose those we care about. So, we end up ignoring our own needs in the service of others to keep them close and we make the choice that leaves us feeling less guilty.
But over time, betraying ourselves in service of the needs of others breeds a far more toxic emotion - resentment. That resentment often manifests as anger and rage. We are unable to reconcile the need to practice self-care, but also care for everyone around us. We are left feeling burnt out and depleted and angry that no one is looking out for us and our needs. We feel unappreciated and taken advantage of.
You see, society keeps us in a box because feeling anger and rage certainly isn’t allowed for women, and particularly moms, so we end up trying to suppress that rage leaving us feeling a tremendous amount of shame - especially when we can't suppress it.
This shame leaves us feeling deeply alone and filled with self-loathing. So in an effort to keep others close by prioritizing their needs, we are left feeling deeply alone and resentful.
What are we to do?
This is where choosing guilt over resentment comes in. Choosing to feel the guilt instead of avoiding it allows us to set boundaries and see to our own needs. Although we feel guilt, that choice will ultimately protect our own energy, the other person and the relationship.
Boundaries protect relationships.
Let me say that again….
Boundaries protect relationships.
They protect relationships because boundaries protect us from resentment. Guilt is hard to feel - there is no question. But if we choose it as well as ourselves, we can get curious about what is behind that guilt and decide whether we actually even believe it. Do we have evidence to support the idea that choosing ourselves makes us selfish and disliked? Is this even a reality?
Over time, I believe that guilt will become less powerful once we face it and examine it. We’ll begin to differentiate between justified guilt where we definitely need to repair after making a mistake. Or unjustified where we are ascribing to some patriarchal norm that dictates what makes a good wife and mother.
But when we blindly avoid all feelings of guilt, we don’t get to learn that skill and self awareness. And we end up unknowingly choosing resentment that eats away at our relationships and sense of self.
So, my goal this year is to begin to stop and notice when I feel compelled to make a decision that avoids feeling guilt and see what’s really going on here. I’d love to know your thoughts on this idea as well.
ps…for those who are curious, the last two books I read were “Quit Like a Woman” by Holly Whitaker and “When the Body says No” by Gabor Maté.
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